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The Perfect PB&J by Hazelnut

Mommy has this crazy idea that I should eat these green things that look like plants that grow in the dirt. I see them outside and she tells Maggie “plants stay on the ground” or “leaves stay in the tree” when Maggie tries to eat them. If she tells Maggie not to eat plants outside, I don’t see why I should eat plants on my plate.

Except for fruit. I love fruit! Mmmm... Grapes sliced in half, bananas, raspberries, blueberries, all-berries, apples in any form, like sauce or slices, I love all fruits! Except for the green ones. If an apple is green, they make me pucker my lips. Yuck! Mommy says they’re sour, but I don’t know what that means.

I’ve been trying to teach Mommy a lesson about the food I want to eat. I’m a big girl and I know what I want. If the fridge is open, I show Mommy. I’ll pull out the bread or the berries, and then Mommy tells me to put it back. Why? I know what I want! So I kick and cry, but Mommy explains we don’t graze, we eat at mealtimes. Why? I should eat whenever and whatever I want!

For today’s lunch, Mommy said I could make my favorite. It’s the perfect PB&J! I’m going to teach you how to make it, Hazelnut patent-pending.

Step 1: Find the bread in the fridge. We have two types of bread: gluten and gluten-free. Mommy has something wrong with her tummy that makes her unable to eat gluten, but my tummy is fine so I can eat gluten with Daddy. Daddy makes fun of Mommy’s bread, but I think it tastes okay, I guess. I prefer Daddy’s bread, but since I’m sharing with Mommy, we’ll have gluten-free.

Step 2: Put two slices of bread in Mommy’s toaster. We have two toasters. Mommy said that if gluten got into her toaster, she can’t use it anymore because then the bread will make her sick. I think there are cooties in gluten, but Daddy says we’re immune. I don’t know what that means.

Step 3: The peanut butter is important! I like the smooth peanut butter. More importantly, Mommy taught me that there are these bad fats that can make you sick in some peanut butter. It had a long name I don’t remember. Hydro-something-or-trans-fats-ummm? I don’t know. But it’s bad. We use natural peanut butter. On the label, it says peanuts and salt. That’s it. For the perfect PB&J, that’s all you need.

Step 4: If it’s a new jar, give it to Mommy. They’re hard to open and Mommy needs to mix it up because the oil is on top. I don’t know why. Mommy lets me stir a little at the end, but if I stir in the beginning, I spill the oil. Mommy says that’s bad because the peanut butter will dry out when you get to the bottom of the jar if you don’t stir the oil back in.

Step 5: Mommy dollops some peanut butter on the toast and the fun begins! I get to use a butter knife and spread, spread, spread all over! Mommy says I need to not spread peanut butter on my face or my hair, or else I’ll need to wash it all out. I think it feels funny in my fingers and I like to play with it when I spread it on the bread.

Step 6: My secret ingredient for the perfect PB&J is a fruit! Yes, fresh fruit! My favorite fruits for a PB&J are raspberries, blackberries, and sliced bananas. Mommy will sprinkle some cinnamon on the sliced bananas which makes it so good! If we don’t have any fresh fruit, sometimes I’ll use raisins. (Also, grapes aren’t good for this. They get too wet! Grapes are better on the side).

Step 7: Don’t press it together! Mommy used to make this mistake, but the first thing I would do is pull it apart. Then everything would get all mixed up. No, that’s wrong! That’s not how you eat the perfect PB&J. First, you pluck out the fruit and eat it, one by one. Delicious! Then, you lick the peanut butter. Mommy tells me not to get peanut butter on my face, but how can you not when you lick it off the bread? Finally, you eat the bread, but not the crust. I throw it down to Khaleesi when Mommy isn’t looking. She likes the crust, but I don’t.

Step 8: Mommy said sides is what you call what you have with your entree. I don’t know what an entree is, but my main course is PB&J. My favorite sides for this meal are sliced grapes and cold milk. Mmmm, good!

Bon Appetit!


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